Happy Hubert Holidays

Nothing new to report on the Chasing Hubert search this week. I've been waiting at my mailbox so often lately to see if I have received any responses to my snail mail inquiries that our mailman has begun handing me the mail with a sly smirk intimating that perhaps my sudden interest in the U.S. postal service is likely due to a penchant for a man in uniform, as in THIS man in letter carrier uniform.

The mail was handed over yesterday and, unfortunately, all I received was a wink from said letter carrier and an avalanche of Christmas cards to which I have yet to respond. I love receiving cards but hate giving them. The antithesis of the Christmas spirit, I know, but the entire Christmas card tradition of exchanging greetings throws me into turmoil. First off you have to select from thousands of card choices - do I go for humor or tradition, do I opt for a religious message or a generic holiday greeting? Then there is the obligatory personal message to compose, addressing, licking and sealing the envelopes, not to mention the expense of mailing a sackful of cards at 44 cents per card.

For me, far and away the worst, most dreaded and despised part of the entire Christmas card debacle is receiving THE LETTER! You know, that folded, typewritten insert in the card that details every highlight of the sender's apparently charmed life over the last year. Even worse are the ones set to rhyme - "Vacationed in Switzerland, Daughter's accepted to Yale, Just bought a vintage Ferrari, This summer family hiked the entire Appalachian Trail...." Just once I would love to receive a letter that tells it like it really is. And so, here is my Christmas letter for those of us whose lives are not a scene out of Currier and Ives:

T'is the week before Christmas
And all through my house
Running around crazed
Too many family fires to douse

Two middle daughters are feuding
Husband's business is slow
I'm still out of work
Holiday spirits are running low

Got humongous bill from Cobra
Dishwasher's busted, it won't dry
Still haven't found Hubert
I've developed PVD in my right eye

Suburban's transmission is broken
Volvo's radiator is shot
Tried to decorate the front yard
But picket fence has wood rot

Out taxes have doubled
College tuition's a month overdue
Still haven't found Hubert
Daughter's roommate has swine flu

But I'm not complaining
On a positive note
Daughter removed her nose piercing
Visa's giving us one more month to float

Our neighbors gave us their old clunker
So kids won't have to hitch
You gotta love this time of year
Yup, holidays can be a bitch

But I still have my Hubert
A bright spot in my malaise
And my dream I'll discover his/her identity
One of these Chasing Hubert days

No, I haven't found Hubert yet
No idea if I will or when
But it's Chasing Hubert that'll keep me going
Through 2010

To all Chasing Hubert readers
My thanks for reading what I write
A Merry Christmas to all of you
And to all a good night!